The voice of experience

A young priest fresh out of the seminary was assigned to a large parish where hundreds of people attended Mass every Sunday. After he had been there for a few weeks the Monsignor asked him to give the sermon for that Sunday morning's Mass. He was understandably nervous and spent much of the week preparing his sermon.

On Sunday when he attempted to give his sermon, he found himself frozen by terrible stage fright. Frozen like a deer in the headlights he barely stuttered through his sermon, most of which was completely unintelligible. Feeling like a failure he went to his office after Mass. The Monsignor came to him later that day and said "Father O'Malley, I've been doing this for over 40 years now and I still get nervous when speaking in front of people. You wrote an excellent sermon, but your delivery needs work. Allow me to suggest something to you that I did for several years to help with my nerves. Before Mass, place a glass of vodka next to your water glass. It's clear and nobody can tell the difference. If you get nervous, take a small sip of the vodka and it will help you calm down so that you can deliver your sermon. Next Sunday I want you to deliver this sermon, but without the stuttering."

Comforted by the Monsignor's words young Father O'Malley prepared for Mass just as the Monsignor suggested. Upon standing to deliver his sermon he took a sip of vodka to calm the butterflies in his stomach. During the next few minutes he took a few more, and finally was able to calm down enough to deliver his sermon. Feeling quite pleased with himself he returned to his office after Mass to find a note from the Monsignor. It said:

"Great job on the delivery of your sermon today Father O'Malley! Here are a few suggestions for next time:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There were 12 Apostles, not 10.
3. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
4. It is inappropriate under any circumstances to refer to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ as "The late J.C."
5. We do not refer to the cross as "The Big T."
6. Without exception it is never appropriate to refer to the Holy Trinity of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost as "Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."
7. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not "Beat his ass."
8. David slew Goliath, he did not "Kick the living shit out of him."
9. Jacob was hit by a rock and fell off of his donkey, he was not "Stoned off his ass."
10. It is highly inappropriate, in fact sacrilegious to refer to the mother of our Lord, the Virgin Mary as "Mary with the Cherry."
11. Lastly, next Saturday there will be a taffy pulling at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling at Saint Taffey's.

Other than that, great job! Now go sleep it off.