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Sunday, October 28, 2007

Top 215 rules for an Evil Overlord

This comes from

I've compiled thier top 100 list and thier dungeon list into one.


UPDATE: For all the readers from the Bioware forums. Thank you for visiting. Please leave a comment with your location ie: what country/territory etc you're from, thank you again for visiting.......

The Top 215 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not
kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on
the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons
of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to
the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you
kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say,
"No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks'
time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled
"Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will
instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard
it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no
need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my
weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any
flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several
rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of
the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any
accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I
find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to
activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan
into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's
just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal
distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray
her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original
uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that
make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage
Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have
a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power,
I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my
troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my
power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons
useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with
spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I
will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!"
(After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any
sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one
small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,
there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill
me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to
my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important
systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the
same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at
all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies
into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes
will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of
comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad
news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard
to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to
wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual
dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be
reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of
Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell
block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will
keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out
copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing
a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead
of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards
me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride
at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my
opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an
unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead
of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky
time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of
untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good
looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who
work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the
odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is
responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I
will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price
for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can
one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I
will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for
him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or
technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it
will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy
me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send
them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system
that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer
him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned
tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry
you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their
place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important
covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if
there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any
who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for
target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will
carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any
code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30
seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad
scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors.
And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going
through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all
extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be
a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publically available
terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked
as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The
actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone
who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for
fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence
will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will
be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a
full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This
is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the
offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd
better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be
delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in
foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always
travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one
of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will
immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically
peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she
should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen
standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device
and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of
using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged
contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so
that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will
not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse,
instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack
one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and
struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also
not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge
over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero
the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain
enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of
earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken
alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as
soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into
limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my
best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones
as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have
disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and
drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to
find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in
front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet,
then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for
both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the
opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then
activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be
more along the lines of "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and
properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use.
Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not
berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task

89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately
disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds
the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took
it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation
is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and
obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is
finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him.
Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight
on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a
few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of
righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an
underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is
scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop
and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete
with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate
tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team
instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control
panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on
the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain
reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully
monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I
will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together
against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing
each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are
saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension,
I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless
trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

101. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

102 I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident
-- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe

103 I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word
"mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

104 My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as
members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military
boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

105 I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted
to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

106 If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately
flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from
there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to
attempt this.

107 Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I
will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough
that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good
structural reason.

108 Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect
a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self
sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.

109 I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes
and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument
in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the
secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the
citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

110 I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party
getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

111 I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or
being executed.

112 I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be
neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.

113 I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While
elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they
are hard to close quickly in an emergency.

114 I will never accept a challenge from the hero.

115 I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers
are dead.

116 If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay
with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of
explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.

117 No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling
"Leave him. He's mine!"

118 If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will
not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally
falling on when fatally wounded.

119 I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature
in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy
henchmen instead.

120 Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with
basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one
more shot than the standard issue.

121 If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by
the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.

122 The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they
may direct fire inward or at each other.

123 If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public,
contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave
their beards before entering.

124 Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work
for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has
neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to
get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had
a falling-out with his father many years ago.

125 Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate
escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls
converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to
"imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring
camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.

126 Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can
easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to
throw him off track.

127 Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety
of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty.
The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any
other source will result in execution.

128 I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any
possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs
are externally mounted and easily removable.

129 Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight
each other in the arena.

130 All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally
tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the
uniform, the poor fit will give him away.

131 I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's

132 Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct
a thorough background investigation and security clearance.

133 If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been
associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable,
but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next
one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.

134 If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a
small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along
side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb
aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me.
(A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)

135 My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological
device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at
the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will
include a back-up device known as a battery.)

136 If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it
has to be deactivated and make every wire red.

137 Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches,
or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see
if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra

138 The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with
fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but
my security patrols will be more effective.

139 If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate,
then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts
anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage,
I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)

140 I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty
to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the
prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the
chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the
lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as
a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no
threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.

141 As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of
children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real
threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to
win the hero.

142 If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my
three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters
to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary
to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation
of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever
and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like
crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to
spend quality time with the grandkids.

143 If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly
defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national
holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This
will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I
am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are
holding a parade in his honor.

144 I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the
hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also,
I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot
jump out of the way.

145 My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they
add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and
a lot of prisoners know Morse code.

146 If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent
ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately
vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.

147 I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted,
trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be
awarded posthumously.

148 Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop
me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the
schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.

149 Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open
windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the

150 I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and
strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited
to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".

151 I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is
reserved for my trusted lieutenant.

152 I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to
accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.

153 My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer.
Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in
mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.

154 I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques.
In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts,
"Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of
this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.

155 If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any
circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.

156 If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my
Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are

157 Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll
post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not
worry too much if they get stolen.

158 I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my
folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes
the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.

159 If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for
an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run
like hell.

160 Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits
will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to
recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.

161 I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a
rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a
giant gong before finishing off my enemy.

162 If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it
on public display.

163 When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces
that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near
the rebel camp.

164 I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but
make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture
the hero.

165 As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several
hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with
someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of
sending all of them out of the room.

166 If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they
did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over

167 If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and
my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's
largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious
15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat
and let the hero get stuck with the genius.

168 I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they
are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up
while I decide his fate.

169 If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many
precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans
and firewalls.

170 I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and
oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular
group that will form the core of a rebellion.

171 I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location
where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling
down from above.

172 I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That
way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch
out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his

173 Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the
hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he
blames the hero.

174 If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand
down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him
to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my
fortress and order his execution.

175 I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the
dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide
valuable information once placated.

176 I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from
swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out
when someone has entered in this fashion.

177 If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to
work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay
for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.

178 If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he
says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect
me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to
the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on
the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for
me it will now be heading for him.

179 I will not outsource core functions.

180 If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I
will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.

181 I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any
wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be
set on fire.

182 I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle
walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road
in the festival pavilion.

183 Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my
body, I will install a surge suppressor.

184 I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of
mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone
sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).

185 If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and
fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all
personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.

186 I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking
the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at
him then leaving him to his own devices.

187 I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good
PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.

188 I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal
projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city,
they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.

189 I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but
you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are,
that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain.

190 If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my
Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to
complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.

191 I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is
nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes
trouble with the EEOC.

192 If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform
her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.

193 If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her
at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus
on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held
hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted,
naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her
actions at the moment of dramatic climax.

194 I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages
in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.

195 I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to
use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking

196 I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my
fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.

197 I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons
and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero
or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.

198 I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed
strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one
needs to know.

199 I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself.
Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will
make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then
double-cross them in their moment of glory.

200 During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted
to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be
required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.

201 All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be
fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.

202 All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free
facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty
well destroy their credibility.

203 I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.

204 I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in
keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come
in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light

205 All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any
alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the

206 When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance
on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.

207 Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use
provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given
this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station
unmonitored will be shot.

208 Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity
Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous
to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and

209 I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a
faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely
desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.

210 All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep
track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about
my fortress are actually plotting.

211 If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned
in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.

212 I will not send out batalions composed wholly of robots or
skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.

213 I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a
bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in
doors or tripped over during an escape.

214 If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular
quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality
immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially
if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)

205 If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will
buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the
market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever
you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the
countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.

206 If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly
withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to
assassinate the hero.

207 If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and
his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all
alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I
will politely decline the offer.

208 I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's power
is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a
hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.

209 I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempt
to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not
even be considered for the job.

210 Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For
example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and
flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the
climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my
reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."

211 My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they

212 I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a
little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will
not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these
incompetent fools?!"

213 I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the
room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.

214 I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather
than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a
chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge

215 I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the
front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes
little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.

1 comment:

Murphy said...


I might just adopt some of these when it comes time!