Lord, how I HATE those words. I didn't even hear them, they were IMed to me earlier today. Just friends. Granted there are issues between us, that would make a real relationship hard, such as our ages, I'm 40, she's 26, my kids, all 7 of them, and she doesn't want any. Distance, I'm down by Corpus, she's up in San Antoinio, and I can only see her 1 or 2 weekends a month, and that's only up at her place, as she didn't want to come down here. There are other issues, which I won't detail here as they are personal to her, and it is not my place or my right to discuss her behind her back so to speak. But she evidently feels that she has good reasons to not want a relationship with me, and I'm just going to have to deal with it. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with to say that. It doesn't make it hurt any less. What I would like to do and what I am going to do are so diametrically opposed right now to practically be on different planets. It's things like this which make me look at my life and wonder if I had met her under different circumstances, would the end result be the same or different? What if I hadn't had my kids? What if instead of 7 I only had 2 or 3? Or none? What if I didn't have any responsibilities and could take off at the drop of a hat, and didn't have to worry about kids or doing my show, or making sure the house isn't disintegrating. What then? Could she and I have had a chance at a real relationship? I've been thinking about this all day since I got the IM from her. And all I can really say right now is, that I put myself out, exposed more of my inner self to her than I have to anyone else. And I'm still alone. I suppose I could make a joke about this, and after I post this I might change my mind and delete it But the truth is it hurts. And whoever said that men don't cry, is full of animal manure. If we are hurt, we cry, we just don't show it as much as women. Part of it I guess is the whole macho garbage, but I feel that a large part of it is the insecurity of losing control. If we let that control slip enough to cry for whatever reason, we won't be able to regain it. And men like having themselves in control. That's why we are turned to, to offer comfort and security. Because we are in control, we don't flinch, we don't cry, we do. But it costs us to be IN CONTROL. For many years, I have had an inner detachment. I've seen death up close and personal, in many ways and shapes and forms. From working on an ambulance to working security in the housing projects. And I've had to be detached and do my job. But deep deep inside, some of the things I've seen, from victims of an accident, to gunshot wounds and seeing some of the worse things people do to other people, have given me nightmares to this day. But I've had to stay in control, and functioning. That's all I've been doing is functioning. I'm tired of functioning. I want to live. I want to share my life with someone, and have them share their life with me. But, evidently it's not time for that yet.
I could make a joke or something about this probably and put up my personal ad on the blog. But I won't. I don't think I could joke about this for awhile.
m
4 comments:
Second-guessing yourself pretty much universally sucks. But it's inevitable, isn't it? I can only imagine...And over IM? Seriously what the f***! You have my sympathies.
Be yourself, though. I'm watching my soon-to-be-ex reeling from the contortions of trying to be something else for someone's benefit...and I myself came very close to trying to change damn near everything to get him back...And in the long run, it won't work.
OK, minister, can I take a moment..not to discount your pain, because I know and understand it, but to gently remind you of the purpose behind that which you are ordained in and thus have dedicated your life to?
"What-ifs" are counterproductive, God takes what is and works that to the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose. When you start questioning whether the outcome would have been different due to different circumstances, you toss yourself into that pit that the enemy wants you in. That void you have in your heart, the one where you're "only functioning"? That's the enemy's pit and if you're seeking to fill with human companionship a void that only God can fill, you'll get yourself into a heap of trouble. Anytime you seek that in another person, particularly one who He has not specifically set for you (and in His time), you will be let down and then only find yourself deeper in the mire.
His grace is sufficient, He is our strength and our portion. As hard as it may be to praise Him in this storm, do try to find a way to praise Him. Even in this disappointment, He has spared you the pain of an even greater emotional investment in someone obviously wrong for you when His plans for you are greater than you can possibly imagine. And who knows? Maybe He's using this situation to draw you and your focus closer to Him so that He can continue His good work in you without the distraction of seeking out people who turn out to be incompatible.
If you'll look around online, there are lots of resources and articles out there for those in Christ who are lonely for a life partner and they're very good. They all draw on the need to seek Him first, to draw nearer to Him and to submit ourselves completely to His will - it is only through that submission that the greatest of life blessings can come through - be they His eventual unveiling of a mate for you; or a wonderful, comforting satisfaction of finding all that we ever thought we needed in a partner is found in Him alone.
God bless you, Mark.
Woulda, coulda, shoulda...the path not taken will always stand there and stare at you buddy. And often, there are more then one of them.
When you are in the darkest of times in your life, remember you are never alone. You have friends, you have family, you have Jesus and God.
It doesn't make the healing easier but, it can help make it quicker.
While the pill may be bitter and big, making it hard to swallow, understand that you see at best a few threads of the tapestry. God sees the whole thing. He knows what He's doing...even when we don't have a clue.
Take care of yourself. Be as well as possible. Take time to chat with the Almighty, tell Him your pain...the entire thing and dump the whole amount on Him. You won't be telling Him anything He don't already know and you sure won't be taxing His resources at all.
God bless and keep you and yours.
Mark,
I'm sorry it didn't work out, brother, but you know He works in mysterious ways.
And, believe me, I was the king of "we can be friends" or "you're like a brother to me" back in the day...
Be strong.
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